Hurricane Katrina

Man, what a horrific disaster. My heart goes out to all those poor people in the south who are homeless and jobless now. And dude! New Orleans! Is totally fucked!!! I was just there last summer with my friend M, and the idea of it all being underwater? Scary.

Of course, we're going to get royally screwed at the gas pumps now. And this winter? Sure to be a record-breaking PG&E bill, since they'll take advantage of the opportunity to raise the rates. The thing that gets me with the gas stations & the electric companies: do you ever hear of prices going DOWN? They claim that gas prices will shoot up for a couple of months and then "normalize." What that means is that they'll just not rise as fast anymore. Gas prices won't drop below $3 ever again, not once they've got it over that hump. It will probably climb to about $4 and then maybe, if we're lucky, it will drop back down to $3.50 and stay there. But we won't see $2.50 again. Ever.

And hello? What's with all the freakin' insane weather anyway? Is this global warming finally taking effect in a dramatic way? Very, very scary, y'all. We thought last winter's Florida hurricanes were bad? This is much, much worse. And honestly, it's not looking like the weather is going to be normal ever again either. The "natural disasters" just keep on coming. Actually, now that I think about it...California is overdue for a devastating earthquake, isn't it? As long as we've got a big ol' chunk of the southern U.S. out of commission, why not crack off the coastline for a couple hundred miles and drop it into the ocean? Amazingly enough, we haven't even had any really devastating wildfires in California this year, despite the six months straight of rain we had last winter and the consistently hot, dry summer we're having. Knock on wood.

New job?

Keep your fingers crossed for me...I applied for a new job today & they are moving FAST with the phone interviews! Sounds like an ideal fit for me: liberal-minded, progressive, etc.; great benefits; stable & growing business. If they can deal with my telecommuting & meet my salary requirements, I'll jump at it. Yes, I'll feel bad for leaving CurrentEmployer in the lurch, especially with Boss's father practically on his deathbed, but I can't keep hemorrhaging money every month. I've been working there for a year and a half, stealing from my savings account and running up debt. I just can't keep doing this.

One of the great things about being a Mommy...

...is that I've got someone who appreciates my horrific, off-key singing. He actually asks me to sing to him before he goes to sleep. It's so sweet. I think maybe his brain shuts off in self-defense though, because as soon as I start singing he starts yawning...it's like his brain wants to become comatose as soon as possible so it doesn't have to suffer through my singing. LOL

He's so adorable when he's sleeping though. So peaceful, so completely opposite his bouncing-off-the-walls waking self.

Am I getting old?

I went back to the doctor yesterday for my follow-up appointment after last week's physical. Blood pressure: still high. Cholesterol: still high. Tetanus? Not boosted for about, oh, 25 years. Hepatitis A & B? Yeah, apparently I've never been vaccinated against them either.

So...three shots in the left arm (Hep A, Hep B, Tetanus). Ouch.

I'm supposed to take my blood pressure every day for two weeks & keep a record of it. Then I go in and he'll put me back on medication, because the blood pressure is not going to go down in two weeks, I can guaran-fucking-tee it. Cholesterol? Doc told me to start taking niacin tablets (I hate that shit) again, and add flaxseed oil capsules along with the fish oil capsules I started taking last week. Oh, and he gave me this loooooverly handout with my new low-cholesterol diet on it. Get this: I'm supposed to eat/drink only skim milk dairy products. Like hell. I'll be damned if I'm going to eat SKIM MILK CHEESE. Sorry, but life is not worth living without good cheese.

Foods to avoid: everything I love. Such as:

• bacon, hamburgers, salami, SHRIMP
  
• avocados!!!!
• cashews, macadamia nuts
• croissants
  
• rich baked goods with eggs, shortening and/or sugar (and that would leave exactly WHAT baked goods?)
• butter, gravy, bacon drippings, cream sauces (waaaaah!)
• sugared soft drinks
• fried snack foods (like I'm going to give up potato chips!)

Oh yeah, this is going to be loads of fun. Not.

Quit v.2005 update

I have been quit for 2 Weeks, 3 Days, 16 hours, 50 minutes and 3 seconds. I have saved $57.07 by not smoking 265 cigarettes. I have saved 22 hours and 5 minutes of my life. My Quit Date: 8/7/2005 12:30 AM

Except for that one smoke I had laaaaate Saturday night after that bottle & a half of wine. The one I was actually going to WALK to 7-11 for (yeah, at midnight. I was HAMMERED, y'all). K insisted on driving me there & back, which was awfully damn nice of her. K was over because we had girl's night "in" instead of "out" for a change...take-out pizza, wine, and DVDs. Anyhoo, K drove me down to 7-11 and I bought a pack. She dropped me back off at home, and went on her merry way. I lit up, smoked my smoke, and then somehow managed to watch half of Sense & Sensibility before passing out. The next morning I awoke, thoroughly disgusted with my lack will power under the influence of copious amounts of drink. I threw away the pack (yay!) and the lighter (YAY!). I drank a ton of water. I went back to bed (YAY!!!!!).

Oh, and I *did* go out this weekend, with crazy C, my sort-of ex-sister-in-law. She was never really my SIL because rugrat's dad & I never actually got hitched, but she is practically my SIL anyway, so I usually just call her that for simplicity's sake. Anyhoo...we went out because she is all pissed at her hubby (my ex's brother). She's decided that she definitely wants to divorce him but she basically wants to have somebody lined up first. This is not how she says it, but it's basically what she means. I told her that's fucked up. Either leave him or don't, but don't play those stupid games.

So anyway, she said that night (Friday) that she wanted to flirt with someone. OK fine. Flirt away. But when I was ready (very, very ready) to leave at midnight, she did NOT want to go. We were out dancing at a club and I wasn't drinking (OK, I had one drink after dinner) in order to keep my will power & refrain from smoking. But still, at the club there's always people outside smoking, and I really really wanted one. So I was ready to go, or have a cigarette - one of the two. And I told her, "I'm leaving in five minutes. If you're not ready to go, you can find your own way home." Harsh, yes. But I'd been telling her for half an hour that I wanted to leave, and I was done. She pouted the whole way home because [**whine**] "I wanted to kiss someone!" The hell??? If you want to do it, just do it. Fer chrissakes, it's not like she didn't have ANY opportunities. Men were dancing with her. She didn't really want to just kiss someone. She wanted to meet her "soulmate" and fall in love so she could have an escape route when she left her hubby and her two kids.

So yesterday evening she calls me, and she's all, "How would you feel about renting out a room?" Um, no. For one thing, I would never, EVER live with her. For another, it's not like I have a whole lot of spare room here. It's a little three-bedroom house, and that third bedroom is my office, and it's jam-packed with books. Boxes & boxes of books. Not to mention spare computers and stuff.

So then she goes on & on about how her hubby will lie in divorce court about how much he makes, because he's been lying for years on his tax returns (he owns his own roofing company). And then she won't get any child support. And I'm like, what the hell? You have a job, woman. You guys are going to share custody of the kids, right? So if you are sharing custody, and you have a good-paying job, what the hell do you need his money for? I mean, yes, you will each pay half of the daycare & so on, but beyond that...what the fuck? And she tries to tell me that she should be able to keep the same level of lifestyle after the divorce. I cut her right off. Um, no. You don't get to keep the same lifestyle. You will be living in separate houses; it costs a lot more money to keep up two households than it does to keep up one. You will probably have to sell your new BMW and get something cheaper. You will not get to be a privileged little princess anymore.

But she was insistent that she should get some of his money because she "worked to support them while he built up his business." OK, I don't know where the hell she's getting this from, but I distinctly remember her quitting and getting fired from jobs several times over the years, and being out of work for quite a while, and he was supporting HER. And I also remember when she first moved in with him, when they were dating/engaged, and she refused to pay him any rent because she wasn't on his mortgage and she didn't think she should have to pay anything. And I ALSO remember that she is a fucking narcissistic whack-job who thinks the world should revolve around her and what she wants. That is all.

Woman is on crack, y'all. She is just...on crack.

Anxious

I've been all jittery for about a week now. I indulged in about $500 worth of retail therapy this weekend, and couldn't seem to spend myself into a state of calm. I drank a $120 bottle of 7-yr-old cabernet, plus another half a bottle of pinot noir, and woke up with an awful hangover, but I was still acting like a coke fiend after half a dozen lines and an entire pot of coffee.

I think I've alienated GG...he probably thinks I am a freaky stalker because I always email him back immediately. It's the equivalent of picking up your phone on the first ring, I think. And he is probably gay. Gay, gay, gay. It would be just my luck. Because I always seem to fall for the guys that are gay. I'm always going out with friends and saying "He's hot," and my friends will say, "He's gay." Always happens, y'all. And yanno, it's been 15 years at least since I saw him last; a person can discover a lot about themselves in 15 years. True, we had carnal knowledge of each other in high school -- but that was high school, and maybe he got a little older and thought to himself, "Self: you do not like screwing women. You only want to see someone naked if they have a penis." It could happen. It does, all the time, in towns all across the country. Yes, GG is probably gay.

So I am trying to convince myself that he is gay so that I don't have to think about the fact that I am thinking about him ALL THE F'ING TIME, y'all. I think about how I can make it seem casual if I drive down to SoCal for Labor Day weekend (a good 8-10 hours one way). Yes, my mom lives down there, but...yeah, it's just not casual. It's stalker-y. I can't go down for Labor Day weekend. He does not WANT to see me. Because he is gay, y'all. But I haven't asked him if he wants to see me...because wouldn't he have volunteered that information by now? Like just a "hey, I'd love to see you sometime, here is my number, call if you're in the area"? Because that's what I did on my 2nd or 3rd email to him. Maybe he didn't do that because he doesn't know where he's going to be living. Since he's looking for a job, and is willing to pretty much move anywhere, that means he doesn't know where he's gonna be in a month or two or whatever. Right? It doesn't mean that he never wants to see me.

Oh jesus, I need to get a fucking grip. He is like a myth, a figment of my imagination. Even if I DID see him again? And he wasn't gay? He would probably be an asshole, because he's in his 30's and he's not married; so what does that tell you? Either gay, or divorced (read: bitter and never getting married again), or player (read: never getting married, period). So I need to give it up because I am getting all worked up over something that is NEVER going to happen.

Oh dear God, he's smokin' HOT!

So I'd just about convinced myself that it was too good to be true and GG would have to be fat or bald or something. But I just saw pictures of him (very recent; 2 months old), and he is SMOKIN' HOTTTT! He is exactly my type...tall, dark, on the slender side. Very mediterranean-looking. And did I mention that he's freakin' HOT?!?! Jesus.

Oh, and no ring on the left hand. No tan line from a missing ring either.

I seriously want to jump his bones.

Oh. My. God.

GG!! The boy who was the focus of all my early high school fantasies! The boy I lost my virginity to (well, I didn't really lose it...more like I threw it at him)! He of the glorious dimples!

Well, GG is on myspace. And he is now one of my myspace friends. And we are conversing via email. And he is still in the state, actually within driving distance. Well, for a long weekend...not for an afternoon. But he would like to live closer...up here in the bay area, in fact. And he was actually up here last WEEK!! Last week, y'all! Why am I so jacked about this? For God's sake, I haven't seen the guy in probably 15 years...but he was my first love, for sure. In fact, I'd say he was my first obsession. And we are conversing via email! And I gave him my phone numbers and told him to call the next time he's up here! God, I'm so transparent. Will he think I'm a total stalker chick, after FIFTEEN YEARS? But he is SO nice in email...*sigh* I'm half in love with him again already.

Jury Duty. Fuck.

Went for jury duty today. I was highly tempted to bum a cigarette from someone but I resisted. Nearly two weeks now without nicotine.

Anyhoo, I didn't get selected for the jury. That's cool. But after the jury panel and an alternate had been selected, the goddamn judge went into this lame-ass five minute fucking monologue about how fantastic jury duty is and how we should all be thrilled that we got to waste a fucking day. Seriously. If he wanted to deliver a sermon on the glories of the justice system, couldn't he have done it when we first got there, instead of waiting until we're all just fucking DYING to run out the door?

Grrrr....

Oh, and I totally f'ed up my alarm clock. Last night I set it to go off a half hour early so I'd have a chance to blow dry my hair & look halfway decent (in the hopes that I'd get out of the courthouse early enough to swing by DMV and rectify that hideous mess they call my driver's license photo). Anyway...somehow I set the CLOCK an hour ahead. So this morning, I wake up, clock says 6:30, I drag my really fucking tired ass out of bed, pop in my lenses, brush my teeth, and hop in the shower. I get out of the shower thinking, "Damn, it's still awfully dark outside. Shouldn't the sun have come up by now?" I blow dry my hair. I head downstairs to make coffee, and what do I see? Yeah, it's now six AM. Not seven, like it says on my alarm clock. Six. I wrenched my butt outta bed at 5:30 in the goddamn morning? And now, of course, I'm totally awake, and it would be useless to try to go to sleep for an hour (plus I'd probably crease my hair all funky). Damn. So I folded clean laundry & watched reruns of That 70's Show on TiVo. *sigh*

Updates on CFUNITED, dog, etc.

OK, looking back over the blog I see that I left a few things hanging...

First of all, I did indeed get laid at CFUNITED. Broke my crazy dry spell with TWO men, actually. The first one was just incredibly fucking hot, but not exactly superman in the sack. Disappointing, but that seems par for the course with the hot guys.

Second guy was geeky and kinda scrawny, but hung like a horse. Seriously, the most beautiful cock I've ever seen in my life. Unfortunately, he's married. Yes, yes, I know, I'm a hideous fucking bitch for messing around with a married man. I have two things to say in my defense: #1 - we did not do "it" (everything but...) and #2 - CONFERENCE, people! Everyone knows that a conference is like a complete break from reality. Married men always have affairs at conferences. It's like a tradition. But seriously, I could not help myself. His cock was that amazing. I was hypnotized by it, I think.

Alrighty, now about Ginger...well, she stayed with us for a week, before I realized that I was completely fucking insane to think that I wanted a dog. I don't want a dog. I don't like animals. She was very sweet, but she needed a lot more exercise than we could give her. I couldn't walk her, because she pratically dislocated my shoulder whenever I tried. She couldn't just run around outside in the yard all day because it was 95+ degrees every day. So she would sleep in the hall while I worked in the office. And at night, she'd be banging around in her crate, because she got loads of sleep during the day. It was just kind of ridiculous. So, the doggy went back to the rescue group. I told rugrat that I'd get him a turtle instead. ;-)

Day 6

Today is day 6 of the great non-smoking campaign of 2005. Now, don't get me wrong. I love smoking. True, it smells nasty, will supposedly make me look old before my time, is expensive, and in general makes me a second-class citizen, since I must remove myself from all polite society in order to get my fix. BUT...I love it. I love lighting up and inhaling that first smoke of the day. I love having my last cigarette before going to bed. And I especially love the post-meal and post-sex cigarettes. Those are truly the best. But I just can't smoke anymore. Last week my blood pressure was so high I was afraid I was going to have a stroke or a heart attack and nobody would know until I just didn't show up to pick up Rugrat from daycare. So I quit, because I'm not quite ready to die yet.

And already, the smoking dreams have started. You know, the ones where you have that one cigarette and it's glorious and then all of the sudden, the crushing weight of guilt when you realize that you've fallen off the wagon YET AGAIN. I guess it's ok, as long as you feel guilty in your dreams. When you stop feeling guilty and just enjoy the smoke in your dreams, then you're actually in danger of falling off the wagon in "real life."

I had actual physical withdrawals this time. That pretty much sucked. The first couple of days I had a horrendous sore throat, and felt like I was getting the flu. Achy body, nausea & gas & all kinds of nasty gastro-intestinal issues, utter exhaustion coupled with complete insomnia, even after taking glorious NyQuil - I slept *maybe* two hours on Sunday night (after my first full day without nicotine). I even had a low-grade fever. It was unpleasant.

And BOY, am I a bitch. I finally left the house yesterday to do a session at The Full Plate in WC. I was allllll about the road rage. I just wanted to kill everyone else on the road. Now that's gotta be real good for my blood pressure. ;-)

M wanted me to go out last night. I just couldn't face leaving the house again. Instead, I curled up on the couch with a bottle of Merlot and some trashy TV. God, I am such a flake. I haven't seen him in about two weeks. That's OK. I'm just...not that into him.

It's so hot

It's been hot for weeks now. Not just normal summertime hot but blistering, get-a-sunburn-five-minutes-after-you-step-outside hot. I'm over it. The whole stupid weather thing that's been going on for a year...it's just been one extreme after another.

On the other hand...I've had a couple of dates with a new guy (M). Not so sure yet how I feel about him. He seems nice but was *VERY* clingy after our before our first & second dates. Now I haven't heard a peep since last Friday. It's just...strange. Yes, I kind of blew him off on our second date (not horribly, but I was a bit buzzed & with my friends and kind of just chatting with everyone, not paying attention exclusively to him). So...whatever. I'm not really stressed over it either way. I mean, I could see him a few more times but I'm not sure if I'm really into it, so I don't much care if I don't hear from him anymore.

Sometimes I wonder if I have just gotten too used to my independence. I haven't fallen in love (or even, really, in lust) for a long, long time. Years, actually. Unless you count the conference guy. That was definitely just lust, and definitely a conference-only kind of thing. Not only does he live 3000 miles away, but he's...um...married. I never thought I would be the kind of person who would knowingly mess around with a married man, but dayum, the man was hung like Secretariat, and he was very persistent. I did put up a bit of a fight, but once I saw his stellar package, I couldn't turn it away. Just...oh my god.

Anyway, I don't know what I'm doing here. I feel like I need to break out of whatever weird cycle I'm in and get back in the game - really in the game. I haven't felt that fluttery feeling in years, and I hate thinking that I might never feel it again.