Anxious

I've been all jittery for about a week now. I indulged in about $500 worth of retail therapy this weekend, and couldn't seem to spend myself into a state of calm. I drank a $120 bottle of 7-yr-old cabernet, plus another half a bottle of pinot noir, and woke up with an awful hangover, but I was still acting like a coke fiend after half a dozen lines and an entire pot of coffee.

I think I've alienated GG...he probably thinks I am a freaky stalker because I always email him back immediately. It's the equivalent of picking up your phone on the first ring, I think. And he is probably gay. Gay, gay, gay. It would be just my luck. Because I always seem to fall for the guys that are gay. I'm always going out with friends and saying "He's hot," and my friends will say, "He's gay." Always happens, y'all. And yanno, it's been 15 years at least since I saw him last; a person can discover a lot about themselves in 15 years. True, we had carnal knowledge of each other in high school -- but that was high school, and maybe he got a little older and thought to himself, "Self: you do not like screwing women. You only want to see someone naked if they have a penis." It could happen. It does, all the time, in towns all across the country. Yes, GG is probably gay.

So I am trying to convince myself that he is gay so that I don't have to think about the fact that I am thinking about him ALL THE F'ING TIME, y'all. I think about how I can make it seem casual if I drive down to SoCal for Labor Day weekend (a good 8-10 hours one way). Yes, my mom lives down there, but...yeah, it's just not casual. It's stalker-y. I can't go down for Labor Day weekend. He does not WANT to see me. Because he is gay, y'all. But I haven't asked him if he wants to see me...because wouldn't he have volunteered that information by now? Like just a "hey, I'd love to see you sometime, here is my number, call if you're in the area"? Because that's what I did on my 2nd or 3rd email to him. Maybe he didn't do that because he doesn't know where he's going to be living. Since he's looking for a job, and is willing to pretty much move anywhere, that means he doesn't know where he's gonna be in a month or two or whatever. Right? It doesn't mean that he never wants to see me.

Oh jesus, I need to get a fucking grip. He is like a myth, a figment of my imagination. Even if I DID see him again? And he wasn't gay? He would probably be an asshole, because he's in his 30's and he's not married; so what does that tell you? Either gay, or divorced (read: bitter and never getting married again), or player (read: never getting married, period). So I need to give it up because I am getting all worked up over something that is NEVER going to happen.