Tuesday, April 10, 2007


I think I really need to get back on the patch. I was so exhausted yesterday that I fell asleep on the couch at about 8:15 while the Rugrat was watching cartoons. When I dragged my ass off the couch and bundled the Rugrat off to bed, I went to bed too. And I slept until the Goddamn Roosters™ woke me up at 6:30 as usual. But the thing is, I don't feel rested. I still feel exhausted. And I'm pretty sure it's because my body is no longer getting its regular dose of stimulant, in the form of nicotine. I'm craving more, too.

In all of this drama though, D has been amazing. He's just a bright spot in my life, and I feel very blessed to have him. He calls me at least twice a day now...sometimes three times. I look forward to hearing his voice; it's almost as necessary to my daily life as breathing. How did he become so important to me in less than two months? It's pretty scary, actually. I've been so independent for so long, that having this in my life again is a shock to the system. He makes me feel cherished, and dammit, I don't want to depend on feeling this way. Shit happens, yanno? And I don't want to get so wrapped up in this feeling that I forget how to be happy on my own. Because when it ends, as it inevitably will, I don't want to fall into a massive depression. This is just SO good....and I know it can't last. Even if we spend the rest of our lives together, it won't be like this forever. He'll disappoint me, I'll disappoint him; we're human. And when the crash comes, it's going to be a big one.

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